Friday, March 16, 2012

The Most Evil of Toys

     Today, as I was reminiscing with my wife about times past, we broached the subject of an item that, to this day, seriously creeps me the hell out.  It is a toy, to be sure, and I'm sure most people will say it is completely harmless.  I beg to differ.  Behind the cut there will be more than a few references to mental instability (my own, primarily) and discussion of most heinous evil things...  You have been warned.

     When Wrath of the Lich King came out, it brought with it a small toy shop in Dalaran, known only as the Wonderworks.  It was run by a tiny little gnome chap.  He was always so cheerful sounding when he spoke to his customers.  He had trains and little robots and paper zeppelins and the like, and I'm sure he did a booming business.
     But there was a dark side to his shop, which most people are happier not knowing about.  This little gnome, Jepetto Joybuzz, was well versed in the darkest of magics.  I'm fairly certain he possessed some of the power of the Old Gods themselves, for how else could he create such an item of unimaginable evil, yet manage to contain it in what appears to passerby to be little more than an amalgamation of cloth, string, and stuffing?
     Oh yes, this man created an item which still haunts me to this day.  Then he duplicated it and sold them to any poor fool who stumbled into his quaint little shop.  Kel'Thuzad's experiments were nothing compared to the horrors this dastardly gnome unleashed.  What's worse, is that this was happening right in the center of Dalaran itself.
    What is this unholy monstrosity, you ask?  I dare only utter the name once, lest it find me again, here, of all places...
     Tiny Green Ragdoll.
     *ghostly wailing from other, darker realms erupts around you*
    This... this thing hunted me for months.  It was everywhere I didn't want it to be, and always, it heralded a great doom.  While undertaking various quests and noble deeds for the average citizens of Azeroth, it was there.  Never moving, but somehow, always right behind me...
     It would appear, most frequently, shortly after my spirit had been briefly removed from my body, usually as a result of some tragic fall or foolish rush into battle against an enemy far more powerful than I.
     When I marched with an army of comrades into Naxxramas to slay the many lieutenants of Arthas, it was there, before every major fight.  He stood vigil at the door as we failed again and again to defeat Grobbulus.  He waited, silent as ever, at the end of the Frogger event, taunting me, daring me to cross the wicked lines of slimes...
     No matter where I went, no matter what I did, I could not escape his cruel schemes... My friend didn't believe me when I tried to tell them of the disaster the little green monster foretold.  Their laughter rang in my ears, haunting, cruel....
     Even after we died over and over again, they didn't believe me.  It came to a point where I could not wield the Light in the presence of the beastly thing.  Our raids would have to wait until his physical form dissipated...
     As my resistance to it grew in strength, it began to bring friends.  Soon, there were two... then three... then, on the worst day of it, there were nine.  Nine ragdolls stood lined up between my team and Instructor Razuvious, reminding me of my fragile link to life...
     As my desperate cries of warning rang out through our motley group, I heard suddenly a voice of truth amongst the corrupted many.
     "You can buy those in the toy shop, Hype.  It's just a doll."
     What did you say? "Explain!" I demanded.
     "Divy's been using it on you for months... Didn't you know that?"
     They thought I was merely playing at a running joke... They didn't believe me... because it wasn't true?
     "Divy... Divy did this?"
     "Yeah, and she told us to do it to you too.  I thought you knew all this."
     I turned my head to look at Divy, my dear, beloved, never-once-bad wife.   She could not contain her laughter.  It was laughter that had clearly been building for months.
     Even though I know the truth of it all, I'm still suspicious... Mr. Joybuzz is indeed cunning.  Instead of just flinging these vile things across Azeroth randomly, he chose, instead, to corrupt a few individuals and have them spreading them in a far more effective manner.
     My madness was nearly complete when that lone voice of truth broke through the darkness and told me what had been transpiring.
     Usually, I inform you of the manner in which you may obtain the toys and trinkets I talk about here.  In this case, I will not.  I will not be responsible for any more pain and suffering in Azeroth, least of all at my own expense.
     Now that you know of this great evil, I must ask you all.... Leave it be.  Leave it to rot and sit covered in dust on the shelves of that innocuous little toy store for all eternity.


  1. Haha, that is an awesome story. Evil, evil ragdoll.

    1. One time it appeared on the chest in the Gurubashi Arena while I was trying to get the Grand Master trinket...

      I was killed by 46 rogues and 27 feral druids. All stealthed. I'm telling you, that thing is the very definition of Old Gods Evil.